The Discussion Groups OF DOOM!
by Sailorstar165
Summary: These guys have problems, and Selena has to deal with them. Ryu has a court order saying he MUST go to all of the meets Selena runs. Rated for swearing, violence, and what the people say they do. O.O
1. Evil

Addict Group 1: The Evil Addict Group

Hello! Another random joke, but this is gonna get a little messier than my other parody House of Mouse... I hope you enjoy it! Now, enjoy the randomness!

* * *

"Alright! Welcome to today's group!" Selena, a 10 year old girl with blonde hair and crystal blue eyes smiled. "Now, today we're gonna work on your problems with being evil!"

"Um... I'm not crazy like these other guys, and I don't have any heroes after my head, so why am I here?" Ryu, a boy with dragon wings, long silver hair, and yellow eyes asked.

"Because of that court order."

"Damn!" Ryu growled.

"He's still in the denial stage." Ganondorf muttered to Ansem.

"Really?" Ansem whispered back.

"Anyway! Let's all introduce ourselves!" Selena smiled. "I'm Selena, the councilor, and I'm in charge! I've dealt with Ryu here for a month, so nothing fazes me now."

"I'm Ganondorf, and I'm overly obsessed with Princess Zelda and trying to kidnap her to make her fall in love with me!"

"So, he's like Michael Jackson?" Ryu whispered to Naraku.

"Ryu!" Selena yelled. "No talking when someone else is talking!" Though she was trying not to laugh.

"I'm Ansem, and I possessed Riku, tried to take over all worlds, claimed to be the king of darkness..." He took a deep breath. "Controlled the Heatless, stole from that deli across the street, am secretly in love Riku, ran around the city naked, ate lots of beans and went to a wedding, stole the bride's wedding ring, kicked the priest in the-"

Selena covered his mouth. "That's more information than we needed, Ansem."

"I'm the great power Naraku and I have an obsession with trying to kill Inuyasha and I've murdered many people."

"Um... I think you should come next week for our talk to murderers." Selena turned to Ryu. "You have any problems?"

"You suck, but let's see... My name's Ryu, King of everything evil, killed helpless farm animals, stole from pirates, stole swords from samurais, stole a shot gun from a Teddy Bastard and shot them to death... Um... Need I continue?"

Selena shook her head. "Anyway, Ganondorf, we'll all help you first. What makes you love Princess Zelda so much?"

"Because she's beautiful and kind and dreamy..." Ganondorf started drooling like a madly in love shoujo character.

"Err... OK... Um... Anyone know any single girls who fit that description?" Selena had an anime sweat drop.

Naraku raised his hand. "I know Kikyo. She's single and we need to get rid of that bitch."

Ryu raised his hand. "Isn't she dead and trying to kill Inuyasha?"

"Oh! I can help her!" Ganondorf smiled.

"No! Anyone else know any girls?" Selena shouted.

Ryu raised his hand. "Let's see... How about Quistis? As far as I know, she's single." He pulled out a SeeD year book. "This is her!" He pointed to a picture.

"Perfect!" Ganondorf took the picture.

"Anyway... Naraku... Why are you overly obsessed with yourself and why do you want to kill Inuyasha?"

"I'm the strongest demon ever, and Inuyasha gets in the way of my tea parties! Every time I get close to pouring tea for my little dolls, they challenge me to a fight!" He burst into tears. "Why can't I ever with Fluffy the teddy bear?"

Ryu stared. "Can I kill the gay bastard?" He asked.

"No Ryu! He's just really girly! We all know Ansem's the gay one here." Selena frowned. "So, how can we help Naraku with his problem?"

Ansem raised his hand. "He could invite Inuyasha and friends to a tea party."

"I like that idea! I'll do that!" Naraku nodded.

"Anyway... How can we deal with Ansem's problems?" Selena sighed.

"Hmm... We could deal with his crush on Riku by getting him a different boyfriend..." Ryu sighed. "Or we could destroy him."

'_We could tie him up and put him in an insane asylum.'_ Selena thought out loud. She picked up the phone next to her. "Hello? Church or Apris? I have a person here needing spiritual help. Yes. Yup. Thanks!" She turned to Ansem. "We have some professionals coming to help."

"Without the code, she called Insane We Is, the nearby insane asylum." Ryu muttered to Ganondorf and Naraku. "That's what she calls it so no one catches on until you're in a straight jacket."

The guys came, put Ansem in a straight jacket, and started dragging him away. "Come on! We'll help you spiritually!" One muttered.

"Hey! This isn't the Church of Apris! It's an Insane Asylum! NOOOOO!" Ansem was pulled into the van and they drove off.

Selena smiled. "Anyway, let's handle Ryu's problems now! Why do you steal?"

"Because I don't like wasting my damn Munny." Ryu frowned.

"Um... OK? Why'd you shoot the Teddy Bears?"

"Teddy Bastards! It was a war! I had to!"

"Um... Why do you kill helpless farm animals?"

"Because they won't be any use to steal because they can't hurt anyone!"

"True... OK! I think we handled all of the problems. Now, Naraku, I don't think you'll have to come to the murderer discussion. Good bye!" Selena smiled.

* * *

Disclaimer:

Ryu is my brother, Black Ryu Lord,

Ganondorf and Zelda are from the Legend of Zelda games.

Naraku, Inuyasha, and Kikyo are from Inuyasha

Quistis is from Final Fantasy 8.

Selena is me.

Ansem and Riku are from Kingdom Heart.

The Church of Apris is from Star Ocean: Til the Ends of Time.

Insane We Is is making fun of Toys R Us.

The Teddy Bastards are from Conker's Bad Fur Day. My brother's idea here...

Do I really need to explain where Michael Jackson's from?

I hope you thought this was funny. I'll update this when I come up with whom to put in the murderers discussion besides Ryu and Sepheroth... Later everyone!


	2. The Speech Impaired

Addict Group 2: The Speech Impaired

I think we all know who's gonna be in this one...

* * *

"Alright, Ryu, you can just kind of zone out today." Selena sighed.

"Alright!" Ryu picked up some beef jerky and started eating. "Lunch time!"

"Anyway, today, we're going to help each other like usual." Selena smiled. "Anyway, let's introduce ourselves. My name is Selena."

"It's a me! Mario!" Mario said, pulling out a cigarette.

"I'm sorry Mario, no smoking." Selena frowned. "What's your problem?"

"Mamma Mia!" Mario said in shock, dropping his cigarette.

"Alright, you're problem is a lack of English." Selena turned to Link. "Your problem?"

Link held up a sign that said. "I don't talk at all damn it."

Selena nodded. "Isaac?"

Isaac said nothing.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?"

Isaac shook his head.

"OK... So all you can do is nod." Selena sighed. "Alright, so Mario, we'll work on you first. Any ideas for poor Mario?"

Link held up a sign. "Not talking at all."

Isaac nodded.

"Or..." Ryu muttered. "We send him to school. That's why he's a plumber with no life."

Isaac nodded at that too.

"Alright! Mario, you're going to school. Now, the school bus comes at 8:30AM for elementary school. Don't be late for your first day!" Selena pushed him out the door. "Alright, since you and Isaac seem to have a similar problem, let's do you both at once."

Link held up a sign. "How about no?"

"You volunteered for this. I didn't force you to come." Selena turned to Ryu. "Think you can make some kind of noise come out of their mouths?"

"With pleasure." Ryu stomped on Isaac's foot.

Isaac opened his mouth, but no sound.

"Damn." Ryu muttered, then grinned. "I know!" He took Isaac's sword.

"Hey! Gimme back my fucking sword before I kick your ass you mother fucker!" Isaac yelled, grabbing his sword back.

"I was hoping to keep that..." Ryu muttered. "Wait a second! You called me a mother fucker! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!" Ryu pulled out a katana and started chasing Isaac.

"RUN AWAY!" Isaac shouted, running out the door.

"Anyway, now for Link." Ryu turned to see that Link had fainted. "You've got to be kidding me..."

Selena grabbed an ocarina. "Now what was the song of storms again...? Oh! Now I remember!" She played it.

After getting soaked, Link woke up at sat there confused. "Why am I wet?" He asked, wringing out his hat.

"HE TALKED!" Ryu said, shocked. "I can't believe it!"

"So? I could talk the whole time." Link muttered.

"I see! You didn't **_WANT_** to talk because you have a girly voice!" Ryu fell over laughing.

"It's not funny!" Link yelled, turning bright red.

"Girly man! Girly man!" Ryu laughed.

"Shut up!"

"Break it up you 2." Selena sighed.

"He started it!" Link yelled.

"You're the one with the girly voice Girly Man." Ryu muttered.

"Shut up! Both of you!" Selena yelled, pulling out some make up. "Or I'll dress you **_BOTH_** up like girls!"

"Would she go through with it?" Link muttered nervously to Ryu.

"You wouldn't dare!" Ryu shouted.

"Wouldn't I?" Selena grinned evilly.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Link and Ryu ran out of the room.

"Heh heh..." Selena muttered. "Now it's time for my shows!" She turned on the TV.

_**Meanwhile, Back with Link and Ryu**_

"What're we gonna do now?" Link asked.

"Rob Ganondorf?" Ryu asked.

"Sure!" They both ran off toward Ganondorf's castle.

_**At Ganondorf's Castle...**_

"So... Quistis, what do you do in your spare time?" Ganondorf asked.

"I've defeated witches, fought in battles, taught students how to be good SeeDs, the usual." Quistis said.

Link stared. "Ew... He's hitting on an old hag..."

"She's 18." Ryu muttered back, filling his pockets with gold.

"But she's so old!"

"Ganondorf's older. "Who cares anyway? Help me steal his loot! Ooo! Mine!" Ryu grabbed a couple katanas, light sabers, and the Majora's Mask.

"Hey wait a sec! Isn't the creepy mask guy supposed to have that?"

"Who knows? I'm keeping it though. Let's go!" They both ran off.

* * *

Disclaimer:

Ganondorf, Link, and the Majora's Mask belong to the Legend of Zelda series.

Isaac rightfully belongs to the Golden Sun people.

Mario is obviously from the Mario games.

Quistis is from FF8.

Not as long (or as funny if you ask me) but still good. Later!


	3. Problems with Farm Animals

Addict Group 3: Problems with farm animals...

Long story on this one... I'm going to really make fun of the Legend of Zelda in this, just so you know. I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED! My bro's been hogging the computer...

* * *

"Alright everyone! Time to introduce yourselves!" Selena said in her usual happy voice.

"Hey. I'm Ryu." Ryu said, slightly bored.

"I know for a fact you have problems killing helpless farm animals, Ryu. You have to listen today."  
Ryu shrugged. "Whatever."

"My name's Link," Link said, "but you already knew that. I'm afraid of chickens."

"Chickens!" Ryu fell to the floor laughing.

"Shut up pitiful human, or I shall sick Killer on you!" Ganondorf said, pointing to a violent looking chicken.

"I think the human race has gone crazy." said one of the cow stealing aliens.

"I conquer." said another.

"What're your names?" Selena asked, slightly annoyed by their interruption.

"My name's Bob 20." The first alien muttered.

"I'm Bob 77." The other nodded.

"I'm July!" The last one said. ((You were expecting another Bob, weren't you?))

"Alright, then what're your problems with farm animals?" Selena asked.

"We steal cows to power our cow-run asteroids." July explained.

"Probably healthier than whatever runs those metal boxes you call cars." Bob 77 grumbled.

"I'm Firefox. I like shooting the brains out of rabbits." Firefox said, grinning.

Ryu smiled. "GO FIREFOX! I must join you one day to hunt!" He pulled out a katana.

"I'll be taking that." Selena confiscated it in a drawer filled with a bunch of Ryu's **_OTHER_** weapons of mass destruction.

"Um... Ganondorf... What's your problem with farm animals?" Ryu asked, knowing the answer.

"I'll use them to take over Hyrule!" Ganondorf yelled. "That way, I can finally give Quistis what she's always wanted!"

"And that would be...?" Bob 20 asked, staring.

"She's always wanted one of those drinks with the little umbrellas in them." Ganondorf laughed evilly.

"Can't you just buy one?" Link said, backing slowly away from the chicken.

"They're too expensive. I could have, but someone stole all of my money." He glared at Link. "AND YOU DID IT!"

"Who says I did?"

"Er... You're my enemy. That's why."

Selena shook her head. "Simple how we get Ganondork out of here." She took his chicken and handed him one of those drink things. "There you go. Goodbye."

Ganondorf left quickly.

"Cow obsessed aliens, why don't you use dark power?" Ryu suggested. "After all, you're only out at night anyways."

The aliens thought for a minute, and then left, liking the idea.

"Now all that's left is Link, Ryu, and Firefox." Selena sighed, knowing the job would be harder from then on.

A giant chicken suddenly appeared out the window and grabbed Link.

Link started screaming like a little girl. "HELP ME SOMEONE!"

Ryu grabbed all of his weapons of mass destruction and barbequed the chicken, with the help of Firefox, of course.

A tall man walked into the room. "I smell food! No food or drink in the... OH MY GOD!" He screamed, seeing the giant chicken. "Is that grilled chicken?"

"Yes, Boss. Want some?" Ryu handed him a giant wing.

Link started eating the colossal leg. "This is actually pretty good."

"I think we cured Link." Selena said, eating the other leg.

"I'll let you slide this time." Selena's boss stepped out of the room with his piece of chicken.

"We'll leave Firefox and Ryu's problems unsolved, shall we?" Selena asked Link.

"Probably a good idea..." Link said. They both got an anime sweat drop when they heard Ryu and Firefox plotting how to kill all of the cows and rabbits on the planet...

* * *

Everyone but Ryu, Selena, and Firefox belonged to Legend of Zelda. Told you I'd be making fun of it...

Ryu is Black Ryu Lord/my brother's character.

Selena is my character, so no stealing!

Firefox belongs to Firefox116.

When I'm done with this fic, I'll be making another Parody, so don't worry. I haven't become sane yet. Next chapter will be the last one. I got bored with this. Oh! I'm going to the Colossal Anime Convention soon! I'm going as Winry from Full Metal Alchemist! My bro's being Largo of MegaTokyo and I'll have a bunch of my friends in costume too (including a friend who's borrowing my Kimono and one going as the 3v1l one of MegaTokyo)! Anywho, until next time everyone!


	4. Fangirl Problems

Addict Group 4: The Crazy Fangirls

In honor of my friends, and made with their help.

* * *

"Alright everyone!" Selena smiled sadly. "I'm sorry to say that we're going to deal with our fangirl problems so we can live among normal humans without them threatening to take our manga."

Ame glared. "I don't want to deal with my fangirl problems though! Son Goku is mine!"

Ryu just sighed. "If this is for fangirls, I'm tuning this out." He turned on his mp3 player.

Rachel was busy drooling over a picture of Squall. "MY SQUALL!"

Ruto sighed. "But I love Link!"

"Exactly why you're here." Selena snapped.

Ryu opened one eye. "Everyone hates her anyways. Can't I throw her out the window?"

"Go ahead. I don't want to deal with her." Selena sighed.

Ryu happily grabbed her.

"You'll be hearing from my father!" Ruto shouted as she was dumped out the window.

"Good riddance." Selena sighed.

"Why am I here? I'm not obsessed with a game character! I have Joe!" Tiffany complained.

Selena stared at the empty chair next to Tiffany. "I can see why people sent you here than. He's imaginary."

"No he's not! Don't listen to her Joe!" Tiffany acted like she was covering an invisible person's ears.

"We now know who everyone's a fangirl for. Let's move onto why we're fangirls." Selena smiled. "I'm obsessed with Riku because he's the perfect person for me. Who else feels this way about their Bishie?" ((Bishie refers to Bishounen, or an anime pretty boy))

Everyone raised their hands, except Ryu, who was looking at the bloody corpse of Ruto that was flattened on the pavement below.

After a long and grueling talk between all of the fangirls, chaos erupted, and it went sort of like this...

"All right! Now that we've gotten over our obsessions, let's test ourselves. Ryu! Bring them in!"

Ryu opened the door and dragged in Riku, Squall, and Son Goku ((The Saiyuki Goku)), who were chained up. Hiei walked in willingly.

"Hiei? What's he doing here?" Ame asked. "I'm obsessed with Goku!"

Entertainment value." Hiei said and sat down next to Ryu.

The fangirls glomped their respected Bishie with a resounding shout of "GLOMP!"

"Get off of me, you stalker." Riku said to Selena.

"Got anymore of that yummy Ramen?" Goku asked Ame. They started having a mini picnic on the floor with burnt meat buns and super salty ramen.

Tiffany was hugging air. "Joe is mine and you can't have him."

Rachel was hanging on Squall's arm. "I love you Squall."

"If you loved me, you'd let go of my arm. You're cutting off my circulation." Squall sighed, used to the torture.

"What's going on here?" A tall fat man walked in. "Selena!" He yelled.

"Hi Boss. Um... Did you eat too much of that giant chicken?" Selena said, hiding behind Riku. "If you can use any of your dark powers, please hurry!"

Riku laughed. "You're on your own for this one."

The Boss dragged Selena into the office. Everyone listened in through the door.

"I let the giant chicken slide, since I like to eat chicken, but this! This I cannot!" Boss said annoyed.

"Sorry Boss." Selena frowned. "You shouldn't put me in charge of fangirl problem groups though."

"As of now, you are fired! Tell Ryu that the main part of that court order was that he was in your charge, and he's free to go now."

"Yes sir..." Selena walked out gloomily, than brightened when she shut the door. "Yes!"

"Huh?" Riku stared as Selena glomped him. "Why are you happy?"

"Because that Boss was a vampire and deserved garlic in his pants."

Ryu ran out of the building. "Later!"

All of the fangirls left with their respective Bishie and everyone lived happily ever after... Except Ganondorf, whom Ryu kept stealing from.

_**THE END!

* * *

**_

Same for all the characters that already appeared, except...

Riku is from Kingdom Hearts

Hiei is from Yu Yu Hakusho

Son Goku is **_NOT_** from DBZ, but actually Saiyuki.

Ame is from my Games Do Come True fic. If you were wondering about the ramen joke, please read that fic.

Tiffany's from Games Do Come True **_AND_** my House of Mosue fic. I'm pretty sure at least...

Joe is Tiffany's "boyfriend" from Games Do Come True.

Ruto is property of Legend of Zelda

Squall is from FF8, but Rachel likes the Kingdom Hearts one better.

Rachel is from Games Do Come True.

Hope you guys liked this. I ran out of ideas on this fic, and it wasn't really my favorite. I decided to finish so I could work on my other fics that everyone seems to love...


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